now, I think I'm ready

Now, I think I’ve found the switch of my heart. A month we didn’t contact each other… No good morning or good night greetings, no more share about any stupid things, no more fight on chat room… for me is really not an easy thing to do.. but you know I’ve been through it anyway.. Even though sometimes I open the chat box and wanna type something then I delete it again, well if he just seen that.. but I don’t care hehe Well the good things is I can go to bed earlier (and maybe so does he), my cell phone bat is not drop easily, and I think I can more focus in the office.. But it doesn’t mean that I forget all about him, just like what he said.. It’s not about forget, but it’s a matter to switch my feeling.. My feeling yang sebenernya belum tentu juga it can called love…at that moment mungkin I bit confused between love and need, between both acronym of BF (boyfriend and best friend  ewh sounds so childish right?), loving and caring… Bzzz.. scara pan gw dari kecil ga punya abang cowo, jarang punya sahabat cowo, kl punya juga berakhir dengan cara yang aneh… ya ada sih beberapa temen deket yang gw piker dari sisi manapun kyknya gw ga bisa fallin’ love with them  name it since high school, kuliah, kerja), so with him maybe it’s too early to make a conclusion that I need him more than just a friend or yeah I don’t know lah (apa2an ini? Kenapa gw tetep merasa harus untuk men-deny my feeling gini? Hahahaha, kyknya ga rela banget pernah suka ama dy..) Well, whatever my feeling was, I think I found my switch of my heart (again) now… If I go back more than 4 years ago, I also get in to this kind of situation. Bedanya is, dulu ga bertepuk sebelah tangan, tapi emang our relationship udah jelas ga ada ujung nya.. dy dimana, gw dimana, gw umur berapa, dy umur berapa.. udah ga masuk akal juga buat go on… tp when we decided that, still feel hurt inside my heart, dan juga karena dulu gw belom bisa secuek sekarang dan dia nya masih bocah bner, jadi nya perjalanan memindahkan tombol hati itu tidaklah mudah… walopun gt, toh akhirnya berhasil lah.. at least for me.. Kalo yang sekarang bukan berarti semudah menoleh ke kiri dan ke kanan ya, tp mungkin juga karena makin banyak hal yang harus dipikirkan dan juga kapasitas memori yang mengecil, jadinya ya kepikiran nya ga berlarut2, kl lagi di kantor ya sudah lah larutnya ama masalah yang lain, kl udah di rumah larutnya ama masalah ngantuk alias langsung mo to the lor… wkwkwkwkwk… Ada sih rasa pengen tau ttg kabarnya, pengen tiba2 nyapa like there’s nothing happen between us, and I’m pretty sure, that he can easily adapted with that.. but I don’t know, whether I’m ready or not… sebenernya lebih ke rasa malu dan agak gengsi sih.. scara gw ama dy temenan udah lama, trs tiba2 gw menggila, trs tiba2 gw nyuruh dy stop communication, trs kl tiba2 gw muncul lagi dan berlagak seperti nda ada apa2, gw dianggap sinting ga sih? Gimana ya caranya gw bisa bikin dia tau hal ini since I’m not sure he care enough to see this… nda yakin dy sepeduli itu ama gw, dan sebegitu kehilangan gw… *ujung2 nya teteup curcol… hihihihihi

it's europe time

This is about my experienced going to yuroop About 4 months before the d day, ada announcement dr Global ttg workshop yg bakal diadain di HQ which located in Basel Switzerland. Yippie.... going to europe for free, that's one of my life list:p During that 4 months we done many many preparation, dr mulai rempong dg perijinan, cari2 tiket n jadwal pesawat yg match ama wkt n budget off course, sampe ke ngurus visa n heboh ama winter clothes yg sebiji pun gw ga ada... perasaan saat kurun waktu itu pun sungguh sangat mixed, dr mulai excited, lebay, get bored, balik excited down menjadi ilfil sampe ujung nya flat tp stressed... Disamping itu pekerjaan pun menggila dan personal life pun lg gajebo bzzzz.... Eh akhirnya tibalah saat gw n 2 temen gw yg baik hati dan tidak sombong itu cuss... Thank God, at that time, mood ok2 aja... walopun sempet ternoda oleh keliaran otak gw mengirimkan link nya blog ini ke dia yg bikin urusannya jd cukup panjang.... Naik LH yg krn dy udh stop penerbangan k jkt jd dr jkt kita naik sq (asik kan tuh)... then transit d sg yg jd musti rada buru2 krn pesawat sempet delay.... perjalanan panjang ke frankfurt yg bikin perut ga beres... sampe d frankfurt msh blom berasa apa2 krn begitu keluar pesawat, yg nyambut lorong2 dan sedikit manusia, tp begitu sampe tempat boarding baru nyadar, oke gw lg di europe krn banyak bgt bule berseliweran dan pas gw memandang keluar, ada putih2 terhampar dan juga berjatuhan dr udara.... aehh pertama kali seumur idup liat salju live (bahkan ke snow or ice world yg suka diadain di mall2 aja ga pernah), cm mesem2 aja deh bisa nya... hihihi... Pas antri imigrasi nih terkagum2 ama petugas nya yg ganteng kyk richard marx jaman muda. Walopun byk nanya (mgkn krn visa schengen gw first application sih) sampe nanyain udh pnya tiket balik atau belum. Karena dy ganteng gw berpositif thinking kl dy care bgt ma gw n kuatir kl sampe gw ga bs pulang, padahal siih... wkwkwkwk Then walopun udh dikasih tauin desy sebelumnya kl dr frankfurt k basel tuh kita bakalan naik pesawat kecil yg lebih mirip miniarta, tak urung gw kaget jg liat pesawat kecil odong2 ini... bayangkeun tangga masuk k pesawat aja cm ada 4 or 5 anal tangga kali, trs penumpang nya kyknya cm 40an gt.... bismillah, setelah disogok beng2 a la jerman yg rasanya menurut gw enak (atau krn laper ya?) Kita pun heading to Basel.... Beberapa saat kemudian setelah muter2 gajebo krn salju tebelL, nyampelah kita di terminal eh bandara mulhouse yg tampak mungil then we took transfer buss, mulailah kenorakan zone IVB dimulai gehehe... salju lg lumayan deres kl pake istilah ujan... ih salju pertama yg menerpa tubuh hihihihi... Dr bandara ke hotel naik bis gratis gt, and untung kita ketemu ama org phl yg skrg ditempatin d sono, jd kita ga nyasar krn awalnya kita nunggu bus di bagian jerman jahaha... emg kl d yurop, tmpt2 transportasi sering nya ditaro di border... stasiun kereta n bandaranya sama2 perbatasan 3 negara yaitu : perancis, swiss and jerman.... Pas naik bus gratisan tuh gw berasa kl org2 bule itu keliatan amazed liat kita, tp gw mikirnya ya iyalah kita kan rame2 sekitar 10 org, pastilah 'keliatan' tp belakangan gw nyadar (n also krn dibilangin desy) itu krn kita 'beda' mereka ngeliat kita kyk kita ngeliat bule d angkutan umum aja... mau ga mau kita merhatiin... ok then kita itu bule nya para bule dong? Hahahaha Hari pertama cukup ok, setelah manage rasa norak akan salju and leyeh2 bntr di hotel, gw bhasil memaksa untuk minta dianterin keliling2 basel dengan pake senjata 'ngga kasian ama temennya yg br pertama ke eropa' dan mereka yg gw yakin sbnernya rada ilfil ama basel pun dg baik hatinyq mw nemenin keliling2 naik trem gratisan... ke theater yg isinya patung2 mesin mekanik yg mulai membeku ngga jelas tp jd kebanggaan org sana, trs ke cityhall yg oke lah buat poto2 n d depannya ada toko sepatu bata.. Rheine river or whatever the spell is, lumayan byk sih landscape2 yg menarik di sana, dan kebanyakan emg bangunan yg cukup tua. Oiya si basel ini kota yg kecil n khas eropa, kl kota kecil itu pastinya sepi kayak pertengahan antara randu dongkal n wonosobo... hahaha... tp krn kita nginep d hotel yg dket stasiun kereta antar negara n trem internal basel, jd ya lumayan rame lah... tetep sih kl kita jalan suka pd merhatiin gt, apalagi kl lg makan. Kl lg makan sih bkn apa2 perhatiannya, krn kita kl makan maruk. Kl yg lain tu mesen cm burger ama coke, kl kita paket whooper, mozarella stick, cheese n chilly stick plus chicken wings... wewewew... bner2 buanyak buat ukuran org2 cebol ini wkwkwk.... During workshop untung lah gw nga sengantuk wkt workshop sg, ntah krn jetlag yg aneh or bneran excited ihihihiy..... Pas hari kedua ada cowo ganteng stengah dewa yg kasih materi, dy dr medical dept gt. Kl kt desy muka gw mupeng gt, sp diliatin sama si opa stephan hehehe... Saat2 seru tjd jg saat dinner, panitia dg baiknya mengajak kita dinner a la fine dining, tp dasar perut kampung, tetep aja kenyang nya aneh... gw masih mending suka seafood2 gt, yg kasian si desy, gw ga akan melupakan wajah memelas nya wkt makan appetizer berupa salad scallop mentah hahaha... maap ya des.. Yg cukup seru lg wkt kita ber-out bond di black forest jerman. Kegiatan indoor nya so so lah seru nya, yg asik adalah gw sekelompok ama cogan yg tnyata muslim asal tunisia... yeaay... The most unforgettable moment is when we were doing flying fox in the middle of snow! That was the very first flying fox i've done.. n it's amazing! Awalnya ga yakin bisa manjat tiang setinggi 10 m. Bayangkeun, manjat tangga aja gw ga berani. Ditambah bawa beban tubuh yg sebagian besar ada di tubuh sebelah bawah hihihi... but finally I did that... for me it was something bgt... setelah bs manjat pelan2 dan penuh kesabaran dr instrukturnya, pas mulai jumping n tali nya jalan, wooohooo.... feel sooo freee..... enak bgt bgt ngt *sedikit lebay* satu pelajaran yg gw ambil, u don't even know anything until you try that... jd kl gw cape or mw ngerjain sesuatu yg berat, gw selalu inget, wong flying fox aja gw bs, pasti hal lain pun bs kl gw cb.... Well finally it's all over, all the crazy things such as eneg2 ama mcd n bk, ketiduran d trem pdhl awalnya gw maksa2 minta diajakin keliling basel, hunting coklat murah di minimarket, ngobrol seru sama RA dr apac lain, sampe all the tears at nite yg gw tumpahkan krn jetlag, cape n other things yg pernah d bahas sebelumnya... Well, apapun itu, I feel lucky can have this chance. And I hope this is only the beginning of my journey to yuuuurooopp....

Sepenggal Kisah Kala banjir

Kali ini ada cerita lain saat banjir 2013 silam... Yang gw inget banjir pertama itu hari kamis, pas hari itu gw ga berhasil reach kantor, jadilah gw and mbak boss, terdampar di kereta, foto2 ga jelas dan pulang lagi ke rumah. Besokannya which mean hari Jumat, gw bertekad banget untuk bisa sampe kantor, at least bisa ambil laptop supaya kl kenapa2 gw tetep bisa update ama kerjaan *karyawan berdedikasi* hihihihi... Ternyata hari Jumat itu cukup berat perjuangan supaya bisa sampe kantor, dari mulai H2C di kereta takut ga nyampe tujuan, sampe turun di Manggarai dan nyambung angkot dengan menembus hujan. Saking bangganya, gw and Dilla sampe foto2 dong di jembatan penyebrerangan depan kantor... Singkat cerita sampe lah kita di kantor jam setengah 10an, after that mulai lah kita bekerja, kerja baru sebentar udah ga konsen karena distracted by cerita2 org kantor tentang banjir kemaren, dan tentang gimana saat itu bunderan HI masih tergenang, alhasil, baru sampe kita udah mikirin pulang... pas lagi ngobrol2 gokil, ntah lagi ngonong apa, ada anak baru pada saat itu nanyain tentang mr. N (dia ini adalah Pak Boss yang jabatan nya lumayan tinggi lah di kantor, udah masuk director itungannya, karena merupakan dept. head)... Si anak baru nanya, yang namanya Mr. N tuh yang mana sih (or something like that), spontan dong gw jawab, itu loh yang ruangan nya di situ (sambil gw tunjuk), dan ditambah dengan kata2 pokoke dy dept head paling ganteng gt deh di kantor (yeah, at least begitulah pendapat gw). bias itu tiba2 temen2 pada ciyeh2 in gw, ya kaget lah gw, karena gw pikir org ganteng belom tentu gw suka, dan gw pun kl suka ama org belum tentu tu org ganteng, hehehehe... Selesai dicyeh2in, ternyata dong si mr. n itu keluar dari ruangannya! omg, rasanya mau meleleh dan masuk ke gelas kotor aja dehh... trs udah gt dy menuju ke meja kita, untung gw berhasil menghindar dengan jalan back to my desk, jadi tersangka nya adalah temen yang duduk di tempat tadi kita bergosip... dan si mr. n pun nanyai para boss kita yang waktu itu working remotely... olalala... rada malu, eh ga pake rada ding, maluuuuu secara dengan suasana kantor yang sedemikian sunyi, gw rasa hampir ga mungkin kl dy ga denger... that was very ackward situation.... Afetr that time, kita2 jadi ngerasa mr. n itu suka mesem2 gajebo kl ketemu, dan beberapa kaali, gw pergokin dy salting gt.... dan anak2 pun bilang itu idola gw ... wah nyasar banget deh kl bilang gw ngefans ama dy.. karena buat gw bilang ganteng itu not a big deal.. so whatsover lah yaaa

blame it on me

What kind of human I am? I started this feeling, I confess and I asked to much from him. He done nothing... just trying to be a good friend. And me? Huuuuft... if I were him, maybe I already trow something in front of that person, but I'm sure he won't do that.... some of friends blame him to be a numb person, for not being care about the feeling I have. But in any situation I won't blame him. Definitely my own mistake.... he offers nothing, I just dealing with unreachable dreamin that I have. n now all I can do is make another dealing and re-arrange my feeling, self healing my heart. I wish it as easy as formatting the full hardisk just push shift del and everything is clear without kept in recycle bin.... I wish....

a whole new day

fiuhhh....
its been a hard day, either in my professional and personal life...
this is like the first I'm sure, I won't be able to share anything to someone that in the recent months aways have a chit chat with me almost everyday... why? because i want it to.
yesterday we met, and i asked him to give me a time for me to deal with my feeling for him....
am i crazy? surely do, because if i don't do that i will keep thinking that he always there for me i cannot move on to other heart until the dooms day for our 'friendship' came. it's the time when he's finally found his half and the big possibility is not me. if it's happened, i will get crazier then now.. so I think I made a good decision right?
he's kinda surprised i guess, but what can he say... it's done.. at least until i can accept all of this kampret situation... or maybe until he change his mind... who knows?

No Regret

Ok then, he knew... well informed...

So? It was not like what I've expected... actually I don't even know what I've expected after he knew about all these things... ewhh I think whatever the reaction was I shall be surprised, and I am!

But I won't regret it... I must not...

Even at the first time , I feel like just want to runaway from his life ever (errr actually still feel that way now), but with nice and wisely (I think that) he want to convince me that we still can be friend...

Friend? do I want it that way? well I might expect too much on it, even if I closely know that he care about me as a friend, F.R.I.E.N.D (well noted, capitally and bold *sigh)

Rasanya gimana? Malu for sure, since this is like the first time in my life I confess my deepest feeling for someone... errrr... Rasanya kalo ada bolongan salju sedalem 7 meter pengen terjun aja ke dalemnya biar gw membeku bersama perasaan gw dengannya...

Marah? yeah... bisa dibilang gt juga... lebih marah kepada diri sendiri juga... agak lebih marah when he said he's been through it (same feeling as I am) all the time (off course with someone)
Karena rasanya dengan sok tau dan kepo nya gw bisa mengira who's that girl is... dan more less make me burn into the fire (nyanyi:p)

Semoga aja pikiran gw salah, semoga aja itu bukan perempuan yang selama ini gw pikirkan karena hanya dy lah perempuan yang sering diceritain ama si bapak... well whoever she is, she's been successfully made 2 hearts broken... (syallalalala)

Now I'm still embarrased to talk to him... even in the chat... yeah...

Oh and one more thing that made me upset is that he think that all the blog I wrote is nice and a lil funny... padahal gw ga bermaksud menghibur hikshikshiks

OK, now I don't where it will go... Yg jelas percakapan dan pengakuannya itu bikin jet lag gw nambah parah di Basel, tapi yeah... just like what I said, no regret....

Just hope that I can manage my heart as well as my brain...

But deep inside my heart I still want to wait he can change is mind (hahaha, it could be only unreachable dream sih), but outside still I want to move forward, fast forward 128x kalo bisa mah...

Could I?